


Vending Machines

by KB80



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU sort of, Beastiality Mention in Chapter 1, Crude Jokes that are Somewhat Offensive, Emotional (and Physical) Threesome but mostly Emotional for the purposes of this, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other Kiddies Rarely Show Up, Probably No Hinata, Strong Haruno Sakura, Strong Language, This Is STUPID, literal garbage, why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12867894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB80/pseuds/KB80
Summary: Anthology from a world where Sakura is badass, they all kind of grow up, real (stupid) talk is had, etc. Mostly just dumb, relatively unrelated stories.





	1. At What Point Is It Not a Kink?

“It’s weird.”

 

“It’s just a kink, all of us have them.”

 

“You have kinks. I have kinks. Sakura has kinks. Beastiality is not a kink.” Sasuke glared into Naruto’s eyes, trying to hammer his point home and finish their (admittedly rather crass) discussion.

 

“What makes it any different than any of the stuff we’re into? You practically can’t get it up unless you’re involved in administering what would normally be considered extremely dangerous electroshock therapy.” The blonde shot back, invoking Sasuke’s particular brand of sadism.

 

“First, I only go as hard as I do with you and Sakura because both of you have advanced healing abilities. Secondly, being a sadist is a few magnitudes better than wanting to fuck animals.” The Uchiha replied, doing his best to not just walk away and wash his hands of this bizarre conversation.

 

“There is zero evidence of her being into bestiality in the first place! Regardless of the moral and ethical concerns of bestiality, there is little proof that she’s into that.” Naruto responded curtly, disappointed in himself for having lost the first part of the argument.

 

“Of the three people she has either had sex with or wanted to have sex with, all have more than a passing connection with animals.” Sasuke’s onyx eyes appeared to be permanently furrowed in annoyance at this point, and the one-armed man was having major regrets about ever agreeing to stay in the village for more than a week at a time.

 

He loved his two best friends, they were practically a family, if a severely incest-y one; that being said, this conversation with the most idiotic member of their odd trio was making him reconsider almost all of his life decisions that led up to this point. Emotional attachment be damned, he was about to have to beat into his best friend’s head that beastiality(!!!) of all things was an undesirable trait to have in a potential partner. Sasuke’s jealousy had nothing to do with the rising sense of annoyance, or at least that’s what he told himself.

 

“That’s circumstantial,” Naruto pressed on, attempting to not end their discourse in total defeat.

 

“Naruto, she is the Hyūga heiress, she could marry anyone she wanted to. Hell, for all she cares she could just marry some poor cuckold and still get it from whoever she wants on the side. There is a reason she is giving up a life of perfect comfort to try and start a publicly recognized relationship with you, and it’s more than the Stockholm syndrome she probably feels from having stalked your ass for so long.” The last remaining Sharingan wielder retorted.

 

“She stalked me?” Naruto responded, befuddled. 

 

“Nevermind that,” he continued before giving Sasuke a chance to insult his intelligence again, “have you ever considered that she just might love me?”

 

“She loves the primal dick you can give her,” Sasuke quickly shot back, catching Naruto off guard and eliciting a small chuckle from the blonde that was almost immediately silenced. 

 

While Naruto regained his composure, the third member of their threesome returned to the now destroyed training ground that they had been utilizing a few minutes prior. Reading the atmosphere, she almost immediately turned around before she could be dragged into their stupid argument, preferring to watch their clothes dry over having to play mediator for the umpteenth time.

 

“Sakura, please tell this idiot that bestiality is more than a kink, that it is an unacceptable trait to have in a partner, and that Hinata definitely has it.” Sasuke demanded of her before she could attempt to make her escape. Sighing underneath her breath, she contemplated how wrong her life had to have gone for her to come upon a conversation that her two best friends were having about the sexual habits of a certain formerly repressed heiress, and how those habits could potentially involve bestiality, without being surprised. Then she answered.

 

“First off, don’t try and kink-shame anyone Uchiha, you pretty much can’t fuck anyone other than the two of us due to your sexual habits, so a little humility seems to be in order. Second, Naruto, she is probably into bestiality, and it absolutely should give you some doubt. If you’re okay with that, then that’s your choice to make, and she really does love you even aside from you being able to go half fox on her. Just remember, if you choose her, you will be eskimo brothers with Kiba and maybe with Akamaru.” The pink-haired young woman replied, leaving her teammates with a sense of subdued smugness and a look of moderate disgust and contemplation, respectively. 

 

After a moment of silence, one that Sakura used to lay down in the grass with the other two original members of Team Seven, the trio’s banter began anew. They remained in the wreckage that served as testament to their destructive powers long after the sun disappeared beyond the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: All of the teams boned. All of them. There will be no convincing me otherwise. They were all horny teenagers often sent into highly stressful situations sometimes unsupervised. No way they didn’t. For those of you who wonder, no this version of Hinata isn’t actually into beastiality. There are infinite Hinata across the multiverse, and I’m confident a not insignificant amount are into beastiality, but this one is not. 
> 
> This Hinata is definitely more on the soft-spoken side of being shy rather than the extreme social anxiety part. First and foremost, I don’t think I could do a character with such severe anxiety justice. It’d come off as demeaning rather than empowering because of representation, and that’s the last thing that I want. Secondly, I imagine that this version of Hinata (if we ever actually get to meet her) will be more of the cunning type. Politically cutthroat, but still holding on to her values and fighting for what she believes is right. I’d have to like, entirely rework her to integrate her into one of these little one offs. This is already moderately AU, but this Hinata is by and large a completely different person, as you can probably tell by my description of her here


	2. Succession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is real fucking tired of being the Hokage. It's time to fix that situation.

Kakashi stared across his desk at the four people gathered in his office. His three original students, and Inuzuka Kiba, one of Kurenai’s students if he recalled correctly.

 

“You must be wondering why I’ve gathered you four here today,” he opened. The quartet nodded, and he continued.

 

“Well, I’m looking to retire and I need a replacement.” 

 

At that, Naruto’s face lit up with his trademark face splitting grin, Sasuke gave a smug smirk, Kiba grinned ferally, and Sakura tilter her head in confusion. Before any of them could interject, the sitting Hokage spoke again.

 

“Now, if it was up to me, and it really should be considering that this is a military dictatorship and all, I would have simply announced my selection to the council and then to the village. Unfortunately for me, there is apparently a law stating that any jōnin who makes a claim for the seat of Hokage has to be given an audience, along with the acting Hokage’s chosen candidates.” The aging man explained in his typical lazy fashion.

 

The different expressions of pride (and in one instance, joy) on the three younger men’s faces, while Sakura’s confusion turned into tepid (and more than moderately fearful) realization began to form on hers. Noting their reactions to his statement, the sixth Hokage continued.

 

“Normally, these meetings would be held separately with each individual being given a chance to state their claim for the seat. However, as has been noted by just about every single shinobi under my jurisdiction, I do not follow the normal Hokage playbook. So then, let’s hear your pitches to be Hokage starting with jōnin Uzumaki, then Uchiha, then Inuzuka, and finally Haruno.” Kakashi stated, shifting his gaze towards his most exuberant former genin.

 

Caught off guard by being put on the spot, the blonde Uzumaki took a minute to consider his case for Hokage-ship. While Naruto thought, the acting Hokage observed and reminisced on the growth of his former pupil. 

 

Once a loose cannon with a prickly sense of honor that hid an expansive sea of insecurities, the 19 year old had matured greatly since his days as a fledgling shinobi. The blonde had matured greatly, retaining his sterling sense of justice while gaining the wisdom to acknowledge all sides of a situation. 

 

Childlike exuberance had been replaced with a more calm demeanor, one that kept his emotions in check without losing them completely. The hubris that defined his younger years had been beaten out of him in the forges of time and battle. His raw cunning had been honed into a fearful battle sense, and Kakashi couldn’t deny that the man who was once his least intelligent pupil was now a tactician on par with his father. 

 

Weaknesses, perceived or otherwise, had been hammered out over time, a feat made more impressive given how many weaknesses he had when he started compared to his other former classmates. The student who the formerly cyclopean jōnin had once considered a disappointment of the highest caliber had managed to climb his way into the rarefied air of truly elite shinobi that only a few had ever reached before, a testament not only to his status as a jinchūriki or his lineage, but also to the amount of dedication he had for his craft.

 

“I have wanted to be Hokage for as long as I can remember,” Naruto started, snapping his teacher out of his reverie.

 

“Initially, I simply wanted the acknowledgement and acclaim that came with the position. Younger me wanted the adoration of the village after being scorned for so many years, a natural response to the situation. However, as time went on and I grew stronger both individually and with my teammates, the villagers’ scorn, and their adoration, decreased in value to me. Though I would be lying if I didn’t admit that receiving the villagers’ adoration after numerous incidents also quelled that desire.”

 

“As this trend continued, I began to consider what the position of Hokage truly meant. Beyond the rosy view that the Third presented me with, being the Hokage means that every single villager is my responsibility. Be they civilian or shinobi, the problem’s that each individual faces is a problem that I face with them. The position is more than just sending fellow shinobi on missions, or signing off on requests for funding, it is considering how to ensure the prosperity of all Konoha citizens.”

 

“In my youth I considered the position to simply mean that I was the strongest. In a sense, I was right, just not in the way that I perceived it to be. The Hokage is equal parts symbol, diplomat, military leader, and legislator. It is a position that no totally sane person would envy, though no shinobi is totally sane.” Naruto’s audience chuckled quietly at his quip, as he continued.

 

“It is also the greatest honor any shinobi or kunoichi of Konoha can receive. I would be greatly humbled by the faith that the leadership of the village has in me if I were to be chosen for the position. With all due respect to the other candidates, I feel that I am as qualified as any of them, though I am confident that any one of us would be capable of leading Konoha into continued prosperity.” The jinchūriki finished, earning nods of approval from all in attendance, a clap on the back from Sasuke, and an encouraging smile from Sakura. 

 

“Well said jōnin Uzumaki, well said. Jōnin Uchiha, it is your turn to present your case.” Kakashi stated, turning his attention to the raven haired shinobi. The lone remaining Uchiha politely requested a moment to gather his thoughts, and just as the candidate before him had been given time, Kakashi granted Sasuke his request. The dog summoning Hokage reminisced about the student he often considered to be the most similar to him.

 

Uchiha Sasuke was both traitor and savior in the eyes of every Konoha citizen. His defection to Otogakure, a village lead by Konoha’s greatest traitor, had left a wound in the general populace that would fester long before the process of healing began. A process greatly helped by the pivotal role the sharingan wielder played in defeating Uchiha Madara, Zetsu, and Kaguya during the 4th World War. The tireless effort he had put in towards making amends with all the villages he had wronged, especially Konoha had endeared many to him, and while some in the village remained wary, the majority of the citizenry considered him to be Konoha’s prodigal son returned.

 

The laser-like focus and drive that had once been applied towards ending his brother’s life still remained, though it was utilized much more productively in the present. The arrogance and dismissive nature that had turned many a potential ally away early in his shinobi career were lost to the rivers of time. While he still retained his prideful nature, he had learned to take pride not only in his own accomplishments and strength, but also in the accomplishments and strength of those he cared for.

 

The blind rage of his youth had been tempered with age. His intelligence was still one of his greatest assets, and Kakashi often consulted him about a wide variety of issues ranging from trade to the placement of military bases. To the man who had once taught Sasuke the technique that would become his calling card, the greatest achievement the Uchiha scion could put his name on was his status as a jōnin sensei. 

 

What had started as a way to keep Sasuke mostly in the village and away from any vengeful shinobi who wanted his life for transgressions committed during his time with Akatsuki had turned out to be a transformative experience for the 20 year old. Initially he had hated the idea, citing (rightfully, Kakashi noted) the fact that he was one of the two strongest shinobi both in the village and currently on the greater continent. However, Kakashi had held his ground, and the Uchiha’s frustration was initially taken out on his genin team.

 

Most leaders would have given up on the experiment after numerous complaints from parents that the black-eyed jōnin was being too rough on their children. Kakashi was not most leaders. He assigned one of his personal ANBU, to monitor Sasuke’s training sessions with his team. The reports he received back from the mission were enlightening. The once brooding and solitary Uchiha had shown a knack for teaching, and was even becoming sociable with his students in a way that he wasn’t with anyone other than Naruto or Sakura.

 

What was even more surprising was something that occurred a few weeks after the ‘spying’ mission was given. On a relatively slow morning for paperwork, Sasuke appeared in his office and asked him for teaching tips. Kakashi had been floored at the request, and even the scarecrow shinobi’s notorious poker face broken at the inquiry, if only slightly.

 

Having been in Sasuke’s position when he took on Team 7, and having handled it much ( _ much _ ) worse, he had very little advice to give him other than to focus on creating a positive team attitude, and to remember that for all their failings the students had untapped potential that he was responsible for bringing forth. The advice had seemed trite to student of the 4th Hokage, and he had decided to stop in on one of Sasuke’s team’s training sessions to observe and pass tips onto the team as individuals.

 

When he arrived at the training ground, he found the three genin engaged in a fierce sparring match with their teacher. One student, an Inuzuka who had been predictably advanced in taijutsu while at the academy, was utilizing mid-range Earth Release techniques to take away Sasuke’s footing. Another, a Yamanaka, was engaged with the Uchiha at close range, utilizing a mix of taijutsu and wire techniques in conjunction with their teammate’s Earth Release. The third and final student, borne of two lifelong shinobi that belonged to no clan, was setting traps along the route that they were trying to force their teacher on.

 

Kakashi had been shocked at the level of coordination and skill the genin possessed. They had all ranged from average to slightly above average as academy students. and all three were showing off individual skills that certain chūnin didn’t possess, and utilizing them in conjunction. Once their spar ended, with Sasuke predictably as the victor, the team sat in a circle around their teacher and paid rapt attention as he offered criticisms and suggestions for improvement. They even took notes, which earned a fair bit of the silver haired man’s jealousy. 

 

Afterwards, Sasuke offered to take them all out to lunch, and when his students gave small whoops of excitement Kakashi swore he saw the younger man crack a genuine smile. While he was tempted to leave right then without interacting with Team 16, content knowing that they were being extremely successful, his disdain for paperwork and desire to annoy his former student prevailed and he imposed upon the Uchiha for lunch at Ichikraku’s. 

 

Suppressing a smile at the fond memory, Kakashi shifted his attention to the cloaked Uchiha as he finished the mental preparations necessary for his case for Hokage.

 

“I am a traitor.” Sasuke started simply, garnering a raised eyebrow from Sakura, a small frown from Naruto, and a barely audible growl from the Inuzuka, who had been gravely injured in the initial mission to retrieve Sasuke, though the bad blood between the two had mostly dissolved.

 

“That is a fact. I abandoned my duties as a shinobi, a sworn protector of the village and all she holds dear. I went to her greatest enemy, then I joined an organization whose ostensible leader destroyed Konoha, and killed one of her greatest protectors. I was personally responsible for the death of an acting Hokage, and was an active participant in the instigation of a continental war.”

 

“Even when I rejected Madara and Obito’s true goals, when I, along with my teammates, sealed away the goddess Kaguya, I remained an enemy of Konoha. It took a fight that cost my left arm and Naruto’s right, and a historical landmark along with them, for me to come to my senses.”

 

“I am unsure of whether or not I can ever regain the trust of every citizen of Konoha. Not only do I have my already listed actions to atone for, as the last member of a clan that was prepared to betray the village and start a civil war except for a solitary member, the burden of their sins falls to me.” Sasuke paused to catch his breath while Naruto’s small frown from earlier had grown into a full blown grimace at the reminder of Sasuke’s numerous infractions, and at his invoking of the Uchiha’s near betrayal that seemingly set their destinies in motion.

 

“That being said, I am sure of one thing. I love this village. I have lived my life since the first moment I returned attempting to redeem myself in the eyes of both my shinobi and kunoichi comrades and the civilian populace.”

 

“I wish for nothing more than to best serve the village in whatever way I possibly can. The Hokage is a title bestowed upon the village’s keeper; the person who bears responsibility for all her actions, who has to make decisions geared towards ensuring that Konoha remains safe.”

 

“They must possess an indomitable will, and they must be prepared to accept the brunt of the blame for any misstep. Any life lost in the field by a shinobi is a direct reaction to a mission that is approved by the Hokage. Any food shortage, any plague, any crime, all of them are ultimately conditions that the Hokage is responsible for.”

 

“One should be a champion of the people as a Hokage, however that cannot always be the case. The Hokage has to be prepared to be both the village’s greatest hero, and her most notable villain. Beloved when times are good and there are few troubles, burned in effigy when they are bad and crises abound.”

 

“Of all the candidates here, I am most prepared to handle that dichotomy with a clear head. Both states are known to me. I was the crown prince of Konoha, last survivor of her most powerful clan. I was also the bastard traitor, brother of the second greatest traitor in our history and student of the first. I believe that I am most capable of making difficult decisions that are potentially harmful to other villages in the sake of ensuring our village’s continued strength, both militarily and economically.” Sasuke concluded, his lone visible eye meeting Kakashi’s right eye, his overwhelming will visible to any who saw. 

 

Similar to the ending of Naruto’s speech, nods of approval were shared by everyone in the room, though this time there were no back claps or smiles. Naruto and Sakura both looked sadly at their best friend, and desperately wished that they could lessen burden. Prove to the villagers, and to anyone else, that Sasuke had truly changed. That he deserved their forgiveness. 

 

“A good argument, jōnin Uchiha.” Kakashi started, clearing his throat before continuing. “jōnin Inuzuka, you have five minutes to prepare your case.” He finished, opting to give the brown haired young man time for mental preparations without needing to be asked.

 

The former Sharingan wielder knew very little about the Inuzuka outside of his basic profile and a few stories that Kurenai had shared with the other jōnin sensei when they met up for drinks. Deciding to wait for the fanged young man to deliver his case, Kakashi turned his gaze towards the lone young woman in his office.

 

Pink hair was tied up in a ponytail. Emerald eyes gazed blankly out the window, as if she were deep in thought. A dark pink long sleeve tee shirt was complimented by a pair of black form fitting pants. The only aspects of her appearance that betrayed her status as a kunoichi were her Konoha standard blue combat shoes, the headband wrapped around her left bicep, and her moderately muscular physique. For the third time that day, Kakashi reminisced about one of his original students.

 

The timid, lovestruck preteen that Kakashi met during team introductions was long gone. In her place was a confident young adult with an intensity and drive matched by none. Her résumé spoke for itself. Apprentice to Tsunade of the Legendary Three for four years, apprentice to Tenzo the last remaining Mokūton user for a year, and ANBU for a year, a stint which included her promotion to captain after a mere three months. 

 

Haruno Sakura no longer chased after her teammates. She came out on top of their three way spars often enough for the jinchūriki sage and Rinnengan wielder to both be more than aware of the fact. They came to Kakashi to complain about it, and try to goad the acting Hokage to spar her, enough for him to be more than knowledgeable about her newfound capabilities. 

 

She had apparently fashioned herself after the Third Hokage, utilizing her preternatural talent for manipulating chakra to master all five nature releases, and use each to devastating effect. With the chakra intensive nature of learning different nature releases than the one(s) innate to oneself, her main weakness had been changed to a strength. Her chakra reserves were a hair smaller than Sasuke’s, and much larger than most other jōnin or ANBU.

 

Though her reserves, control, and ability to utilize all five nature releases to their fullest weren’t her greatest attributes, that was her intelligence. The lone Haruno daughter had become one of the best strategic minds in the village. Her ability to come up with tactics that could shift a battle while ensuring that the overall strategy was successful was invaluable as an ANBU captain.

 

As she grew older she her fiery temper dulled into a more relaxed playfulness, though she retained a fierce sense of competitiveness. Her infatuation with Sasuke had dulled, until finally breaking upon his return to the village. Her experiences in the war combined with her ANBU tenure had subdued the once expressive young woman, though she maintained a soft spot for her teammates.

 

Five minutes having run out, Kakashi gestured towards the Inuzuka to begin his pitch, and so he did.

 

“Being the Hokage is a massive task. Some of the greatest shinobi in our history are permanently engraved in Hokage mountain. Many gave their lives, and some even the lives of their loved ones, for the sake of the village. Konoha is different from other villages in that it prioritizes the lives of its shinobi.”

 

“Every Konoha shinobi is familiar with the phrase ’those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon a comrade are worse than trash.’ It practically became codified by the Third and Fourth Hokages. We give our lives for our comrades, just as they would give their lives for us.”

 

“This trust is the crux of our strength as a village. While we have had notably strong shinobi throughout our history, our average shinobi is weaker than most other village’s average shinobi. Other genin learn nature manipulation while ours learn teamwork.”

 

“The Hokage is the ultimate embodiment of that ideal. The Hokage has to be the pinnacle of selflessness. They cannot order a shinobi to do something that they themselves would not be willing to do. It’s what made the Fourth a great Hokage, it’s part of what made the Third a great Hokage.”

 

“As an Inuzuka, I’m very familiar with that mentality. The pack comes first. Be you top dog or a new pup, everyone has a job to do and everyone does it for the betterment of the pack. I firmly believe in that system, and I believe that it’s what makes me qualified to be Hokage.” The young man finished, slit eyes focused on Kakashi.

 

“You absolutely possess the Will of Fire, jōnin Inuzuka.” Kakashi complimented the young man, before continuing. “Jōnin Haruno, you have five minutes to prepare your case.” He finished, preparing to look through some paperwork while she came up with her argument. To his surprise, she responded immediately.

 

“I’m ready now, if that’s acceptable Lord Hokage,” the 19 year old answered, earning a small smirk from her former teacher.

 

“By all means, please go ahead.”

 

“Being Hokage is more than just being a symbolic figure who wields an exorbitant amount of political power. No Hokage does the job completely alone. They have advisors, a council, the Jōnin Commander, and numerous other people who report to them.”

 

“While the Hokage gives the appearance of being a solitary figure, it’s the work of hundreds of people coming together to make the right decision. The Hokage is ultimately the one that signs off on every decision, but they do not exist in a vacuum. Being the strongest shinobi in the village is a superlative that is often bestowed on the Hokage regardless of accuracy, but with one exception every Hokage has been one of the three smartest shinobi in the village.”

 

“Ultimately the most important work a Hokage will do is done before they even officially take the position. Assembling the best possible staff, ensuring that key figures throughout the village are up to date with all relevant information to make a seamless switch, and meeting with clan heads all happen before the hat even makes it to your head.”

 

“As romantic as the idea of being the Hokage has been made out to be, the reality is much more harrowing. All four of us are shinobi by trade. All our careers we have been taking orders. We might have a bit of discretion in how we execute orders, but none of us have had to make top level decisions while factoring in every variable you can.”

 

“What if you don’t have enough information, or you have faulty information and you send an undermanned or underpowered squad? It’s not your fault that the information was unsatisfactory, but the Hokage is where the buck stops. And rarely do we have time to wait for more information, most of the decisions have to be extremely quick.”

 

“Not to mention that the Hokage has to coordinate all missions that leave the village around information that might be insufficient. Faulty information doesn’t just come from other villages doing a good job of seeding misinformation, it can also come from domestic enemies, and even clients.”

 

“The first C-rank Team 7 undertook, the client lied to save money. We almost died. Naruto had to utilize the Kyūbi’s power for the first time, and if it weren’t for the mercy of one of our enemies, Sasuke would be lying in a ditch in Wave Country.”

 

“For an example of domestic misinformation, Danzo pretty actively colluded with our enemies in an effort to take power from the Third. It led to the situation in Rain Country that led to the rise of Pain, which we all know had disastrous effects on Konoha down the line.”

 

“This doesn’t even take into account clan politics, which is a whole separate ball game. The sentiment that we all put each other first is nice and all, but almost all of the clans are looking to worm their way into more power. It’s a large part of why a Hokage has never come from a large and politically influential clan except for the First and the Second.”

 

“This is just tip of the iceberg stuff. Being the Hokage means you might have to send someone you love to die for little to no gain. Being the Hokage means you have to make extremely important judgements with less information than you need in the window of 5-30 minutes.”

 

“The position of Hokage is a terrifying responsibility that sounds easy, but is far from it. To make the village prosperous you can’t just understand trade, you also have to understand travel, taxes, economics, and general political/economic climate. Every little decision requires tons of knowledge and information. There’s a reason you’ll never see a Nara wear the hat.”

 

“My pitch is mostly that I know how difficult the job is. I have some leadership experience from ANBU and experience with bureaucracy from working at the hospital and as an aide to two Hokage.” Sakura finished. The three other candidates were stunned by the excessively dark image the pinkette painted of the position, while the vague outline of a smile was visible underneath Kakashi’s face mask.

 

“Thank you jōnin Haruno. I will take a few weeks to decide who my successor will be, so the four of you are free to go.” The quartet filed out of the door quietly, and once all four had left the black eyed man sighed and stared longingly out his window, wishing he could be done with the job now instead of in a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wondering who gets it, it’s Sakura. She’s the only one actually qualified to do the administrative duties of the Hokage, which is like 95% of the position. Much like the Second Hokage, she gets shit done. And in this universe, she’s not as strong as Naruto and Sasuke (they have hax) but she’s close enough and is also probably stronger than everyone else. If anyone was wondering, this universe’s Naruto has not had a genin team yet. It’s definitely on the table though. I forgot who else said that they want to be Hokage, but I’m going to assume that they have less of an argument than Kiba does. 
> 
> This was mostly to show what Kakashi thinks of all of them. I didn’t realize how poorly written Sakura was until I wrote this tbh. 97% of her flaws can be boiled down to either being in love with Sasuke and the ramifications from that and her temper. Definitely gonna have to dedicate a chapter to really figuring out who this Sakura is. Her biggest instinct is probably to protect, which is part of why she became a medic in the first place. She wants to be able to protect the people she cares about, and I think after the war she realized that to do that she would have to be a lot stronger. 
> 
> Realistically speaking there is pretty much no way for her to get to the level of Naruto and Sasuke, they’re just too OP (FUCK POWER CREEP), but she can get as close as humanly possible. Maybe I’ll bend the rules of the universe to help her out, like I could give her a couple of tricks that really put her over the edge, but with mastery of all 5 elements, medic ability, super healing mode, and super strength what else could I give her within the confines of like pseudo canon? Maybe get her to reverse engineer elemental mashups that are only kekkai genkai because the people who use them just innately understand how to mold their chakra that way. She’s smart enough to figure those out, and she has seen some seriously powerful element mashups. 
> 
> I should probably figure out what motivates her other than wanting to protect her friends though. She doesn’t want to be the Hokage, but she likes being an ANBU captain since she has more free reign than she would otherwise. I’m trying to distance myself from romantic love being a key factor for her. It can be down the line, but I would much rather establish her character and figure out who she is before I complicate it with love. Maybe she’ll be a bounty hunter, finding S-Rank opponents to beat up on. Like, given her skill level in this she really should be beating up on just about everyone. Obviously, other S-Rank opponents will give her trouble (probably) but she’s got the skills to counter just about everything and the brain to make it all work. Maybe I should just write an AU where Naruto and Sasuke aren’t super OP so I don’t have to make Sakura OP to create the semblance of balance. Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: All of the teams boned. All of them. There will be no convincing me otherwise. They were all horny teenagers often sent into highly stressful situations sometimes unsupervised (I suppose there is an argument that at the very least Shino is Asexual, but that feels like the easy choice to make and either way I am 100% sure that he found that out the hard way). No way they didn’t. For those of you who wonder, no this version of Hinata isn’t actually into beastiality. There are infinite Hinata across the multiverse, and I’m confident a not insignificant amount are into beastiality, but this one is not. 
> 
> This Hinata is definitely more on the soft-spoken side of being shy rather than the extreme social anxiety part. First and foremost, I don’t think I could do a character with such severe anxiety justice. It’d come off as demeaning rather than empowering, and that’s the last thing that I want. Secondly, I imagine that this version of Hinata (if we ever actually get to meet her) will be more of the cunning type. Politically cutthroat, but still holding on to her values and fighting for what she believes is right. I’d have to like, entirely rework her to integrate her into one of these little one-offs. This is already moderately AU, but this Hinata is by and large a completely different person, as you can probably tell by my description of her here.


End file.
